Covid 19
Onward Thru the Fog
I want to write a little more about what I see us going through, collectively, as a culture right now in this time of the Covid-19 pandemic.
I know this is a hard time for everyone. In renowned grief expert Dr. David Kessler and shame/vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown’s remarkable recent talk on Grief and Finding Meaning, they agreed that our own grief is always the biggest. Which is to say that regardless of the extent or type of loss everyone has had, our own grief feels the biggest, and that is a normal feeling!
We are each experiencing individual losses in this time of the coronavirus – loss of routine, loss of freedom to run around to wherever we want whenever we want, perhaps loss of loved ones, loss of our own health, loss of job/businesses or income, loss of school for our kids, loss of vacation or travel plans. The list goes on and on.
And, then, together we are all collectively experiencing this unknowing when it comes
to the future. How fast will things open up? When will they come up with widespread testing? When will there be a vaccine and how will it be distributed? When will the coronavirus abate? Will things get better in the summer? Will there be a big recurrence in the fall and the winter? When will the economy recover?
Nobody knows the answers to these questions. Nobody. Experts and pundits can guess. We can and do guess too. But we don’t know for sure.
So, there is the biggest lesson for us as humans, in my opinion. Living with this not knowing. Staying in the present. Slowing down.
Oh yes we still have to make some plans where we need to for, for instance, continuing education for our kids, care for our elders, projects ongoing at our jobs, getting supplies in for sheltering in place. Other than that, though, many of us are finding it new and interesting that we have time to think about things we normally don’t have a chance to get to.
We may be turning more to thoughts about our relationships. Our lives. Our past. Our futures. Many of us are also turning towards those piles in closets or garages or basements, and going through stuff we have put off looking at. Several people I know sorting through old photographs. Some people’s gardens are looking pretty darn good! 😊
But most importantly, I want to say that we can admit to ourselves and each other that this unprecedented “calamity” as Eckhart Tolle recently called it, is an ongoing challenge.
We need to give ourselves a lot of slack – it’s an up and down ride – sometimes we’ll feel stoic and pretty ok, sometimes we can even see the benefits of slowing down and not racing around as much as used to. And sometimes we’ll feel crabby. Irritable. Or sad. And fearful. Quite possibly exhausted – emotionally and physically.
We are ALL going through these feelings. Try to journal so you have a place to express yours. If you have a therapist, keep those appointments going online or on the phone. If you can gather family or friends together in Zoom or FaceTime, talk some about how it’s really going. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t let feeling shy hold you back from taking the risk of showing some vulnerability. You might find that doing that strengthens and deepens your bonds with friends.
Try not to get too far ahead of your skis. Keep breathing. Find creative distractions. Don’t watch too much hysterical news. Take naps. Take walks. You know the drill. I will check in more later! Meanwhile, as we say in San Francisco: Onward Thru the Fog!
Sending love, Nancy
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be protected.
May you be peaceful and live with ease.
A Recipe for Personal Agency in the Time of Covid19
A Recipe for Personal Agency in the Time of Covid19
In talking with clients *on the phone or through videoconferencing* this week – which will probably extend into the future for some weeks – how we are grappling with sheltering in place and the constant drum beat in the news is on everybody’s minds.
Feeling powerless and fearful is a widespread, and understandable, reaction. Human beings have never been exposed to such a constantly reported on global pandemic. The spread of the virus is bad enough. The constant descriptions on tv and online, though we need the news, can really exacerbate people’s stress.
What are some ingredients for feeling calmer and more grounded at this time? What can help us feel like we have a sense of Personal Agency? By “Personal Agency”, here I mean the “ability to choose to act in ways that help oneself feel better”.
Here are some of the ingredients my clients and I have come up so far:
Number One: Stay Connected. Look at what you can’t do right now and figure out other ways to do things. You can’t get together face to face with groups of two or more. That is the latest instructions. However, you can get together on the telephone. And online through various videoconferencing tools, e.g. FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, FaceBook Messenger, Google Hangouts and more. For FaceTime, you have to have an iPhone. For Google Hangouts, you don’t have to have a gmail account – any email account is fine. Obviously for FaceBook Messenger, you have to have a FaceBook account.
Socially isolating is NOT a healthy thing to do at any time for most people. It is especially not a good thing to do right now. Use the social media tools we are fortunate to have nowadays and talk with your family members, friends, church groups, book clubs, meditation groups, support groups and more. All of the therapists I know are continuing their practices full force, just doing them online or through the phone.
This takes some experimenting with tools, particularly for those who have not been using them. But everybody I know of who is hosting an interaction this way is more than willing to help people get up and running and experiment with them. And thank goodness, we always have the telephone!
Grandparents are reading to grandkids this way. People are dating this way. People are having small parties this way. Be creative! And don’t let the newness and strangeness of using these tools stop you! Many people are helping each out with them now. That is wonderful to see.
Number two: Try to maintain some perspective. It’s not just you who is grappling with facing these changes, your fears, your boredom, your loneliness, your stress about how to teach your kids while working from home, your grief about losing your jobs, your disruption to your routines.
Masses of people are feeling this way. We have not faced a global pandemic of this magnitude before, nor one that is being televised so incessantly.
Monitor your exposure to the news if you start to feel like you especially can’t sleep due to stress and fears. Perhaps read the news to stay up on events and announcements but limit hearing or watching the pundits or politicians. Voices can amplify, through those stimuli, your reactions your visceral and emotional reactions.
Look for the instances you see or read about where people are helping each other out. Spend some time feeling gratitude for those examples, and examples you are experiencing in your own personal surroundings. For instance, I notice when I am outside walking near my home, that we are all staying a good 6 feet away from each other, and giving each other a thumb’s up sign or a kind smile. This has not always been the case in my community where people tend to stay in their own bubble. So that is a good change I’m noticing. Small but important to me.
We are all in this together. Life has changed. It’s likely we will never be the same. We need to be better prepared for similar events in the future. I think we will be! This is a huge wake up call!
Number Three: Help someone else. When you start to feel dragged down and depressed, get dressed, think of something you can do to help someone else. Call a friend. Particularly someone you suspect would appreciate a check-in or caring phone call. Send an email or a text. Post something positive that makes you smile. Nature is still happening. Spring flowers are blooming. Pets are still doing cute things. Kids still crack us up and make us smile.
Helping someone else – maybe you can volunteer with a group online – is one of the most effective ways for helping our own selves feel we have personal agency – we can make a difference in our own state of mind through contributing kindness to someone else!
Number Four: See if you can get in touch with the “Watcher” in yourself. Notice, for example, when you are starting to feel stressed or down or anxious or fearful. Don’t criticize yourself for having normal human reactions! This goes with the territory of what we are experiencing and you are not alone in these feelings! Just notice them, talk to yourself – say I see you are feeling this, let’s just take some deep breaths, or read something interesting or do some art, or take a walk (staying 6 feet apart) or play some music. My longtime counselor friend calls this “Creative Distraction”. Let yourself off the hook – if you don’t feel like studying something, then read something purely entertaining. Try baking some bread at home. Take naps. Lift some weights. Play board games or cards. Do crossword puzzles. Work in your garden.
Straighten up your linen closet. (I did this yesterday and it looks great! 🙂 ).
Notice how you are feeling, in your mind and in your body. Breathe yourself through it if you are feeling tight. Listen to uplifting video or podcasts. Remind yourself, you are still here, you are still loved, you are not alone, we are in this together.
I’ll be writing more as we go along. In the meantime, shelter in place as best you can. And be kind to yourself.